Breaking point

I am so close to the half way point of this deployment I can almost taste it.  I have mostly good days with only a few bad days.  Yesterday and today have been bad days.  I decided my deployment diary wouldn't be completely accurate without at least addressing some of these bad days.  Plus I have a hard time being my usual witty self on days like these...hard as it is for everyone to imagine :) 

Seriously though every now and then these days hit where I cannot shake the situational depression that comes with deployment.  There's no getting around it, and the only way out is through.  I just keep doing my usual routine until the depression passes.  I manage the anxiety and the depression with lots of exercise.  When it gets really bad I will work out in the morning and the evening to try and shake it.  My husband is my motivation. 

I'm also afraid that if I quit moving, I won't get back up again.  I have to push through these awful lonely days.  Routine is everything for me.  I'm merely going through the motions on these days, and I am completely numb to everything and everyone around me. 

It is physically exhausting missing someone for so long with no end in sight. I never get a break or a rest from missing my other half.

 I have heard that a pregnant woman burns as many calories as a woman hiking in the mountains...I would like to add military wife with a deployed hubby to that category!  That's how it feels all the time, like I am physically climbing a mountain.

Regular physical exercise is a key component of my routine.  On these particularly difficult days I can hear my dance teacher's famous line "when you feel like you can't take another step, take 2 more, because that's when you get strong."  She coached me all the way to the top.

I owe Melissa for my husband!

I am married to that handsome man in the picture because of my amazing friend, Melissa. She encouraged me to write men in the military who were members of our church, and because of that simple request I ended up writing James (among a handful of others). While I enjoyed writing these other members and learning of their experiences, James is the one that unexpectedly became my best friend, and before I knew it we were married. :) Of all the things I expected to happen in my life, meeting my husband the way I did was not one of them. But I wouldn't change a thing, and both James and I are forever thankful to Melissa for introducing us. It's been a whirlwind romance, and my life has sure changed quickly. A year ago I was venting to Melissa about the awful dates I was going on, and now I'm calling her for advice about being a military spouse. :) She's sure helped me through a lot of my stages in life. Because of her and her family I graduated college, and now again because of her I married the man of my dreams. :) Thanks, Melissa!



Right now I'm in Oceanside, CA spending time with James before he deploys end of March. I have to say it's been a really funny experience going from spending time with boyfriend James and new-husband-on-our-honeymoon James to marine James. There is quite a difference. :) I've had the opportunity to chat with other military wives on the base here about what to expect, and certain characteristic behavior of our husbands. For example, if we are not 15 minutes early than we are late, according to James. That's been a shift because if I'm only 15 minutes late than I feel like I'm doing pretty good. :) It caught me by surprise a little to see that stern and straight face and straight walk he gives while on base dressed in his uniform, versus the casual laughs and smiles I get when it's just us two together. :) All in all, it's been such an amazing experience and although I've had my moments where I felt overwhelmed, I feel incredibly blessed. With James...and good friends such as Melissa...I'm ready to take on this new world and see where we go with it. :)

Zumba Therapy!

Zumba is all the rage here in our town. They have two classes in the evening and they are always packed!! Some people have no sense of space and crowd me. I do not like it.





As many of you know I was a competitive dancer, dance teacher, and toured with a semi professional dance troupe. I wacked a girl in the face during a performance one time, it broke my hand and her eye was swollen shut for a whole week. You just don't want to get in my way when I'm dancing...er zumba-ing as the case may be.






Well some days I just don't feel like moving out of the way for some people. Today was one of those days...I am ashamed to admit it!! Another lady came into my Zumba class late and got in my dance space bubble. I decided to teach her a lesson. Honestly I am embarrassed!!!! Why can't I just be nice and move out of the way??? Did I mention it was Zumba toning with weights? Don't worry I didn't hit her! I just didn't move out of her way. At one point my hand was right in front of her face...she moved...rather quickly I might add! I'm sure it's all those years of teaching...I have a certain set of rules and when these non-dancers break them...I have to teach them a lesson. It's so wrong...I know!! But I just can't help myself. I should go back to playing soccer...at least then when someone gets in your way you can just knock them down!


FYI to all Zumba-ee's in the area...I can still dance with a broken hand.   
 
*Kidding! 
 

116 days without my husband...

It has been 116 days since I last kissed my husband or held his hand.  I feel like I'm going through a Benjamin Brubaker Detox program.  Except I don't know what the 12 steps are to living without your husband.  Then again maybe I do!

1.  Watch Army Wives all 4 seasons.
2.  Repeat all 4 seasons in preparation for season 5.
3.  Create facebook deployment countdown group to connect with real Army Wives.
4.  Find a military man to marry my best friend so we can go through detox together...sorry Cass!
5.  See a counselor...yes I did. 
6.  Zumba!!  3-4 times a week.
7.  Make deployment countdown paper chain...ugh!  How depressing, why did I do that???
8.  Leave the blow dryer out on the counter all year.
9.  Start a blog to help me re-new my zest for life!
10.  Have an awesome roommate to keep you company...good work Maren!!
11.  Let puppies sleep on the bed...hey they snore just like he did...it works kinda like a nicotine patch if you think about it.
12.  Call Tami.

Yup I think that just about covers it.  I might have to make this into a brochure and start my own 12 step Ben Brubaker detox program.

Only 6 more months and 24 days to go.

I eat deployments for breakfast....GRRRRRR!!!!!    :)

Ben don't forget the tax info...

Recently a newly wed friend of mine confided in me some frustrations she had with her new husband. I couldn't help but smile as I listened, and reflected back on similar frustrations.

I re-conveyed the frustrations with my husband who was quick to defend my friend's husband. "Give the guy a break! He is being a husband the best way he knows how!" and of course it was followed by his famous "Women!" line. He said it with so much passion it was like he was defending himself! It was cute. I was thinking how I'd like to reach through the phone and give my exasperated soldier a big ol' kiss. I love seeing him frustrated...*confession--sometimes I leave the blowdryer out on purpose just cuz he's so cute when he's flustered.

A lot of our communication during this deployment takes place over email...which can be very frustrating! Especially when you want/need your spouse to respond to important information...in our case tax information. *Ben, I swear if you forget the tax info I need in your next email...I am going to join the army just so I can hunt you down in Iraq to get it.

I love this movie.

It reminds me of us.

Wack-a-doodle!

Wack-a-doodle:

-Noun

1. The act of being Wackadoodle.
2. The condition of being wack or clearly doodle.

It's a word I hear Maren say quite a lot, so I decided to look of up the definition. I like it! She's right it does describe the dogs perfectly.

Melissa the Agressor

First let me start by telling you Maren's latest notable quotable line said to me while I was driving: "The last time I told you to look, you ran a stop sign and almost killed a lady!" ...hey parking at Winco is always a night mare when you see a spot up front you gotta be fast.

OK time to fess up about something...so I wear this new running suit everywhere! It's so comfortable I bought a second one. I tell myself it's ok to wear it so often, because I am in training to be a 30 year old later this year. I draw the line at velour though. I just won't go there. Maybe when I'm closer 40.

Preparing for the Readjustment

I have been trying to make the readjustment period a little less stressful by preparing Ben for any annoying habits I've picked up since he's been gone.

For example, I know that Ben hates it when I leave the blow dryer out on the counter, so I made sure to let him know that it's been out on the bathroom counter since he left.

Well Ben decided he better prepare me as well. So he sent me the following package.


I would like to draw your attention to the sock.

When Ben is home I find that man's socks everywhere!!! He sent it as a reminder for our readjustment preparations. Thanks hon...appreciate the sock! I'll be sure to put it away in it's usual spot...you know...in between the couch cushions.

The sad thing is....I really miss those darn socks!!